Aug 17, 2009

"But Wait, I'm Gonna Shove More Crap Down Your Throat"

Ok, I think it's about time I drew some attention to this smug s.o.b. on the left over there. "Here kids these cigarettes will make your throat less irritated." Seriously, we only trust doctors and scientist until they tell us they were wrong, and for some stupid reason we still trust these m-f-ers when they tell us the next thing to do. They're the ones that can make you feel secure about a product, and they're always pushing products that you see a year later in ambulance-chasing lawyer commercials. Can't wait to see the side effects of that colon cleanser I saw at 3:30 in the morning. All I know is I'm gonna think twice next time I go in for a hernia check, or a prostate examination. "DO I LOOK LIKE AN 80-YEAR-OLD MAN WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION? Then please remove your hand from my rectum and save it for your infomercials you sick bastard."
But all of this does give me something to ad to over-promising infomercials.

Now, I've done my share of infomercials, but it’s a little harder to oversell a trip to Hawaii than it is a glorified paper towel. (I also want to add that I am not responsible for the upkeep of the VTTV site)

I saw an infomercial recently for a commercial-grade blender that they pushed as a healthy alternative to high-calorie juices and sodas. Yeah right, because I'm actually going to go spend $50 on bananas, kiwis, mangos, and black raspberries when I could spend the same amount on rum, gin, and vodka and just throw it all in the blender with some OJ.

IMPORTANT: Be mindful of your etiquette. If you're going to endorse a product like this, don't call the cops after you slap a hooker. Also, never write a line like "You're gonna love my nuts." It's funny to get a laugh out of Creative Directors or give AEs heart attacks, but how can you pitch that to a client? "We're going to say, 'You're gonna love my nuts.' No seriously. No really. Stop laughing." Makes me wonder what else we can love with the Slap Chop. Pickles, chickpeas, melons, chocolate salty balls? And when will we finally be rid of Tony Little? You're almost as obnoxious as Michael Moore. Still, infomercials have their place and they do tend to unload a lot of product. They're not all bad I suppose, but I ask you, how many ab machines do you have in your basement? Or dull knives in your drawers? Don't be ashamed, we all have flowbees in our closets.

Now, I can't conclude our little journey through infomercial land without a mention of Billy Mays. You were the best thing to happen to infomercials since Ron Popeil. God bless ya.

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